One of the cold, hard truths of suffering a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages is that bonding with your unborn is delayed...sometimes weeks, months or until after the birth. A couple or family will find it very difficult to bond when they've had to endure such a horrific tragedy. The fear of loving that little growing person takes a mighty grip on your soul. Even if you've spent years trying to conceive, the hard reality of losing the very thing you have been working toward can take its emotional tole on you.
You tell yourself you are going to pretend nothing is going on and resume life as usual, still going through the motions of pregnancy....but not talking about it. You secretly countdown the days of the "dangerous" time of pregnancy. Pretty soon, you are in that 1% bracket of pregnancies that end in miscarriage and you still really can't celebrate BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN THE 1%.
You keep the pregnancy to yourselves, not wanting to make yet another mass announcement that a piece of you has died, never to return. You don't want the awkward conversations or the ones supposed to make you feel better, but only make you feel worse. There's no funeral for your created miracle and there are several terms they refer to your baby as terms other than "baby" and your life is changed forever. You are never the same person that you were, and this happens after EACH miscarriage.
I wanted this pregnancy to be celebrated...it is a life we created, in strength, courage and hope. And we have celebrated from the start. We told a small teeny tiny circle of people and went about reminding ourselves to breath and try to enjoy every moment of this little life. As much as we wanted to shout it from the rooftops, like our expecting friends and family were doing, we kept to ourselves....because it is our little family's journey.
When I started showing, I opened up more to the people around me. I talked about my baby and remained positive. Some know our history, some do not. Some say quirky things that are innocent but naive and some tell me daily how brave we are. Some just give me uplifting smiles...and they are appreciated.
I believe we are coping fairly well...I've documented this pregnancy from the start, photos, memorabilia, this blog. But as time has gone on, we still are being very private about this exciting life we've created. Are we not bonding with our baby?....We have been preparing for the arrival as a family though...working on sewing diapers, putting together storage, holding the belly and talking to the little person inside. We've done maternity photo sessions, prepared where the baby will be, talked about how to be big a big sister when you've been the baby for 13 years, or how parenting will go for us, bought books on birthing methods. My husband has now told a few of his customers that we are expecting a baby complete with pictures and tales.
And as scary as it sounds, I'm opening up to the idea of a baby shower. You may laugh when I say scary, but it is to people pregnant after loss. What are we supposed to do with the baby's stuff given to us if we don't get to bring our baby home again? What does life look like after that?
The subject of bonding with the unborn came up in one of my online support groups for hypothyroid moms and dads and parents who've lived through what we have. Some of them were truly struggling with bonding...they even had difficulty talking to their little miracle. Some support given instructed them to make big announcements as early as possible, that this life is worth celebrating, to use this time to get into the subject of how this baby is a baby from the start. Some brought forth their religious values to this subject and in turn caused controversy.
It got me thinking about if our little baby was being "neglected" because of our past history. I began worrying that we might not be bonding with our baby because we haven't made a big announcement or I wasn't allowing anyone to plan a baby shower yet...but after looking back at how we've planned, laughed, privately celebrated and have been preparing, I think we are doing just fine in that department.
My conclusion.....Don't fall into the idea that you need to make a statement for the world. Just be. Prepare how you chose to. Do what you feel is right for you....it's your journey!
Blessings!
