Our rainbow is one...of us!

   It happened! Our rainbow baby turned one over the weekend!  A year of surprises, moments, memories, and love. It was BIRTHDAY WEEK!  Her sisters, along with us, reflected on the events leading up to her arrival, laughing at the memories.  What a blessing she is for all of us. She has unveiled herself to us this past year....aaaah we are a wonderful clan with amazing depth! We are the lucky parents of children from young adult to toddler :) HOW BUSY ARE WE?!?!

In Finn's first year, she has learned so much! She loves many things this life has to offer and we can't wait to see what she learns this next year.

Finn has learned:

Some challenges are worth the effort...

Breath is life

Climbing stairs

Food is WONDERFUL

Anytime is a good time

for breastfeeding.

Her sister Sydnie Jo hates feet...

Love....

A new perspective brings new surprises....

Love is sharing yourself....

You can love, but it's not always given back....

Blessings! Be want you want the world to be...spread joy.

Life can be ironic

  Hey everybody!

   We are in the third trimester and it's been a while since I've posted...I was reminded by our teenager that she hasn't been able to read anything about us for a while and it was time. There has been something come up it seemingly daily and it's all we can do to just buckle down and deal.

Let me break it down for you....

Right around the beginning of December, I began cramping, spotting...for those of you that has miscarried before, I don't have to tell you how breathless that makes you feel as you try to figure out what is going on. The baby had noticeably dropped and we were in our doctor's office the very day. After being poked and prodded and questioned, it was decided that I needed to stay off my feet a little more. I had to say good-bye to my job at the brewery for a while. The spotting immediately cleared up and we adjusted to me being at home all the time. I'm quite a busy individual so it has been an adjustment! We didn't know it at the time, but I was headed into anemia, if not already there.
   As we were gearing up for the holidays ahead, my grandpa after months of being in and out of an ill state, took a turn. Thankfully, the regional  hospital is  in our neighborhood and we made frequent use of him being within five minutes of our house. He was a great spirits the last few days we saw him....little did we know our family would be assembling the following week for his bedside vigil into the next realm. We were very close with him and cleaned his house, bought his supplies and just made sure he was taken care of before we moved away from our hometown four years ago. We have so  many fond memories of that wonderful man and made great use of his time while we lived near him.

   The week of his dying ritual as the family began assembling, the weather here got extremely cold. I was in and out of the doctor's office and it was determined my troubles were a combination of being anemic and the wrathful return of my asthma. I hadn't been on an inhaler in over a decade! I had days and days of being winded crossing the room and really not being able to sleep due to feeling like I couldn't breath. Not a great time to get emotional...it was quite a balancing act to ensure my health and the health of our little one would endure. It was difficult even holding a conversation, I was so winded. I tried to comfort our daughters as much as I could and my husband did his best to convey the messages I felt were key in this situation...he had a wonderfully good life and he has been ready to move onto the next stage. There were times I couldn't even get an updated text from my family without bursting into a wet face.  A time in my life I won't soon forget. Trying to remain calm and level headed in such a sad time was so difficult...especially with pregnancy hormones raging through my system. I simply tried to focus on the positive in all around me and my little family was such a big help. Without asking, my husband's shoulder and chest were instantly there to bury my face into whenever the moment hit me...which was quite often. I'm a silent crier, so much of my cues are just simply watching---especially since I had no extra breath to tell tall tales or even convey the sorrow I was feeling.
   My family really worried about the funeral and the timing of my Grandpa's passing. Life can be quite ironic. I gave birth to our first born, Keira, the day after my other Grandpa's funeral. I had to endure his death in an extremely pregnant state. The timing is a little different here, but I will have endured my other Grandpa's death before the birth of our last child. My parents worried preterm labor was eminent. The doctors have had us in and out of their offices lots...three unscheduled appointments and probably counting! Honestly, it's a great sense of relief for us. We know our little is doing spectacular.
   Which brings me to one of the new experiences we've had....the non-stress test. This was given in our doctor's office after I had to call in because we were having too many contractions and after not sleeping in about 48 hours. They put two sensors on your belly - one on the baby's heartbeat, and one on your uterus to monitor for contractions. They also give you a little button to push whenever you feel your baby move. Our baby performed beautifully for the test. There was no stress when my contractions would come. Great news! Also my cervix hasn't changed so it was another good sign that things are going the way they need to. The only one uncomfortable in the situation was me and it turns out I had a case of the flu along with my symptoms so it was no wonder I was uncomfortable and having some preterm conditions.
   Our latest ultrasound showed the Wee Ness was roughly four pounds and one ounce last week. Each week brings us closer to getting to see our little miracle. With having to be homebound and then bed bound a few days to get on top of hydration and contractions, we already know so much about her/him. The sleep schedule is very apparent and he/she has very personal interactions with each member of our household.
Before I got really sick, I made a few items for us to put in our hospital bag...matching labor gear and a Wonder Woman nursing gown!

   Now that my anemia seems to be heading in the right direction and my asthma is controlled, I plan on having a little more energy to keep things updates on here :)
Blessings all!

Bonding: A struggle of pregnancy after loss

  One of the cold, hard truths of suffering a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages is that bonding with your unborn is delayed...sometimes weeks, months or until after the birth. A couple or family will find it very difficult to bond when they've had to endure such a horrific tragedy. The fear of loving that little growing person takes a mighty grip on your soul. Even if you've spent years trying to conceive, the hard reality of losing the very thing you have been working toward can take its emotional tole on you.

   You tell yourself you are going to pretend nothing is going on and resume life as usual, still going through the motions of pregnancy....but not talking about it. You secretly countdown the days of the "dangerous" time of pregnancy. Pretty soon, you are in that 1% bracket of pregnancies that end in miscarriage and you still really can't celebrate BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN THE 1%.
   You keep the pregnancy to yourselves, not wanting to make yet another mass announcement that a piece of you has died, never to return. You don't want the awkward conversations or the ones supposed to make you feel better, but only make you feel worse. There's no funeral for your created miracle and there are several terms they refer to your baby as terms other than "baby" and your life is changed forever. You are never the same person that you were, and this happens after EACH miscarriage.
   I wanted this pregnancy to be celebrated...it is a life we created, in strength, courage and hope. And we have celebrated from the start. We told a small teeny tiny circle of people and went about reminding ourselves to breath and try to enjoy every moment of this little life. As much as we wanted to shout it from the rooftops, like our expecting friends and family were doing, we kept to ourselves....because it is our little family's journey.
   When I started showing, I opened up more to the people around me. I talked about my baby and remained positive. Some know our history, some do not. Some say quirky things that are innocent but naive and some tell me daily how brave we are. Some just give me uplifting smiles...and they are appreciated.
   I believe we are coping fairly well...I've documented this pregnancy from the start, photos, memorabilia, this blog. But as time has gone on, we still are being very private about this exciting life we've created. Are we not bonding with our baby?....We have been preparing for the arrival as a family though...working on sewing diapers, putting together storage, holding the belly and talking to the little person inside. We've done maternity photo sessions, prepared where the baby will be, talked about how to be big a big sister when you've been the baby for 13 years, or how parenting will go for us, bought books on birthing methods. My husband has now told a few of his customers that we are expecting a baby complete with pictures and tales.

   And as scary as it sounds, I'm opening up to the idea of a baby shower. You may laugh when I say scary, but it is to people pregnant after loss. What are we supposed to do with the baby's stuff given to us if we don't get to bring our baby home again? What does life look like after that?
   The subject of bonding with the unborn came up in one of my online support groups for hypothyroid moms and dads and parents who've lived through what we have. Some of them were truly struggling with bonding...they even had difficulty talking to their little miracle. Some support given instructed them to make big announcements as early as possible, that this life is worth celebrating, to use this time to get into the subject of how this baby is a baby from the start. Some brought forth their religious values to this subject and in turn caused controversy.
   It got me thinking about if our little baby was being "neglected" because of our past history. I began worrying that we might not be bonding with our baby because we haven't made a big announcement or I wasn't allowing anyone to plan a baby shower yet...but after looking back at how we've planned, laughed, privately celebrated and have been preparing, I think we are doing just fine in that department.
   My conclusion.....Don't fall into the idea that you need to make a statement for the world. Just be. Prepare how you chose to. Do what you feel is right for you....it's your journey!

Blessings!

We are 16' goin' on 17 da-da dum da Dee daaah

  The Wee Baby Ness has made an appearance and even strangers can now see our delight. Rainbow babies are extra special and make everyone smile! If you aren't aware of what a rainbow baby is, it is a baby conceived after a loss or miscarriage. Using the universal sign of hope, a rainbow, symbolizes the beautiful part of making it through a terrible and powerful storm, of which we are so fortunate to have survived. We've been waiting for a rainbow for a few years.
   My shifts at the brewery have been shortened, to give more time to prepare for baby....and relax. I always have amazing stories though from the people I meet. The other day, as I explained our menu to a young couple, their inquisitive toddler sat there. Mid sentence, I felt a POKE POKE POKE on my belly and I looked down to see their little girl poking the Wee Baby Ness and smiling and blabbering on to the little occupant in my womb. I smiled as I felt the wiggles from inside me. I really enjoy the fact that everyone in my life, strangers included, treating me - us - as if the baby is a "somebody" already. My coworkers chat up the Wee Baby Ness, one always pokes, and all of them give affectionate rubs. Our family also takes turns chatting and caressing.

My view of our Fierce little Ness

Another month has flown by and we have seen our primary OBGYN again. I've been feeling pretty great although I've had a few episodes of heart palpitations and vision changes, both associated with m hypothyroidism. I'm still donning my own jeans with a belly band, despite the big growth expanse in my belly region. Again, I battled the terrible nerves of stepping on that scale at the doctor's office. But what did I really have to worry about...right?! The same smiling faces greeted us at the office and I turned the corner to see that silver menace...the scale. With a deep breath, I stepped on...drumroll....BOOM.....I gained a whopping 9 pounds over the last month. **sigh** Internally, I was/and continue to be ----devastated. My blood pressure was right on target, so that fact is awesome. Next stop, a meet with the OB and to listen to the heartbeat.
   We found the little pitter patter heartbeat immediately, and big smiles filled the room, but quickly the squirming began. It was as if the Wee Baby Ness discovered the hiding spot was comprised and said,"Ske-Daddle!!!" We all laughed as the baby scurried all over, running from the Doppler. The heartbeat was good, a moving baby is excellent! Smiles all around! Now....back to the weight gain. Where, why, how??? I'm gluten intolerant so that's usually where the bulk of most people's diet problems lie. We tested my TSH and that came back normal...Thank the Gods! They assured me they had no worries at this time and sometimes people gain lots one month and hardly any the next. We just need to wait it out and see if any more hypothyroid symptoms rear their ugly head.
   Of course my brain couldn't let it drop after we got home....I researched water retention remedies, and stumbled upon B complex vitamins. I had been taking them and just didn't pick anymore up when I ran out. I discovered this may contribute to a sluggish metabolism...hopefully BINGO!
   Time will tell if this helps at all or if more hypothyroid symptoms will begin creeping in. I'm so
thankful that the baby is healthy and growing...and that we are enjoying every moment of this
journey! Meanwhile, we keep preparing by making diapers and thinking of things we are going to
need when March 2017 arrives!

My champion family who I love with all my heart! My husband is helping me make cloth diapers and 

our daughter is building the chest of drawers for storage for baby.

Giggles, grins: Some firsts and Lasts

We look fabulous at 13 weeks!

   It's been a month since we've been to our OB and this week we could hardly wait. We've all been working hard all summer long because of the nature of our industry. We live in an area of the United States that lives off of the visiting tourists. Our "weekends" exist on Mondays and Tuesdays. I work as much as I can for three months, to kick back and take it easy for nine, working part-time at the brewery. The first trimester of this pregnancy has really been flawless for us for a change...no spotting, no vomiting, no cramping, no real reason to worry.

10-11 week bump

August 2016

   Last weekend, we took the first real weekend mini-vacation, in well over a year. It was a great opportunity to talk to our parents and let them know about the Wee Baby Ness. All parties involved were genuinely surprised and shocked and relieved to hear how closely involved we've been with our health practitioners.

Two of our beautiful girls

on our mini-vacation

August, 2016

   Fast forward to Tuesday afternoon and we found ourselves clinging to each other in our OB's office trying to break the nasty streak of the horrible second time visits. I felt really good, nausea is subsiding, my energy has slowly returned, I still fit in my pants. All great signs. With a call of my name and a turn of the corner, it was time to step on the scale...secretly something I had been worrying about the past two weeks. With all of my previous pregnancies, even those including my live births, I gained weight like an elephant! We are talking I could gain up to three pounds overnight. With our last live birth, my little normally 120 pound frame was walking this earth with an over 200 pound body...little did we know at that time it was the effects of hypothyroidism and I would go over a decade without a proper diagnosis or treatment. Those were not fun times. I took a breath and stepped on the scale...I looked at the numbers and looked at an already smiling husband. Three pounds. Completely normal weight gain for the first trimester! 

   Big smiles from the staff as soon as we entered the nurse/doctor hub in the internal office. We nervously smiled back. I entered the blood room myself as Clayton waited in my exam room. The attendant marveled at my veins and eyed them with glistening eyes. "Ooooh you've got some nice ones!" I laughed and said they have long since gotten over being shy with being tested monthly or every six weeks.

   I re-entered the exam room and found Clayton playing with the usual things in the room. He enjoys rolling around on the stool, acting like a doctor, using the foam cleanser on the wall. He became the doctor as soon as I entered and made us laugh. After a little while, our trusted OB came bounding in. She asked the standard questions and then prepared us for hearing the heartbeat for the first time. "Now this is the Doppler machine and we are going to listen to the heartbeat of your baby. At this stage, sometimes it is hard to find them as it is so tiny right now, but we will find it!"

   I laid back and as soon as she applied the Doppler to my belly, we heard it instantly. She smiled and made a joke to her assistant that she was three for three on the day. "Nice! Hear that? It is a healthy 160!" Clayton fumbled around with my smartphone for a video. She ended up helping him with his cameraman skills! "Ok, that's a good one...erase that previous one!" She is a hoot! We were smiles upon smiles with that thumping. She told us congratulations three times - we certainly are feeling like a success story for the time being. She reminded us that they would be calling us with the news of my bloodwork and was pleased when I said I felt it was right on target because I haven't been noticing any thyroid symptoms.

My new meditation blanket

   We are on our way into the second trimester! Today, we received the news from the bloodwork and it is all in the "normal" ranges! Happy dances across the globe as I tell my tribe the good news!

  I've begun sewing some adorable little cloth diapers to keep positive. These really keep my spirits up and keep me centered.

 Things are looking grand. I'm going to continue what I've been doing, and hopefully I will return to my swimming routine soon. I've been missing out on some good swims! And now I can fashion a little baby bump in my bikini.

My last hurrah on my

bicycle until our baby

arrives! Riding the big

Mickelson Trail in the beautiful

Black Hills of South Dakota!

We both love riding

with this amazing man, my dad!

Still hesitantly excited...and 10 weeks pregnant!

   We are in our tenth week of pregnancy....let me say that again! WE ARE IN OUR TENTH WEEK OF PREGNANCY! It really has flown by! Since I've last written, we've had our first in-person doctor visit complete with ten vials of blood and an ultrasound.

   The ultrasound....I knew we would be getting one but I didn't tell Clayton until we got there. That is very scary for couples that have experienced miscarriage. The last two ultrasounds I saw was first our deceased baby and then the next was an image of an empty womb. A sight you are supposed to be relieved to see, showing that everything had passed and I would be recovering, but that is not what you want to see at all deep in your heart of hearts. I would've given my existence to save that baby. Our ultrasound tech was perfect and was very very compassionate to our case. She was with us through it all before. We began, both of us not really looking at the projection on the television. "OK...see? ....See that little flickering right here? That's your baby's heart and it is flickering strong! Here is the head and here is the rump....now that we can all breath in here, I'm going to get started with my tests, OK?" She had her perfect bedside manner, as usual.

   After we were alone, I admitted that right before the test, I felt panic. My body hadn't changed much and I was twinged with fear of the empty womb. Clayton admitted he felt the same...we are so much alike at times. That moment of the flickering heart, the baby became real for him.

Our baby's flicker of a heart. Our chances of miscarriage statistically have dropped to  two  percent.

We've been in that two percent before....hold your breath!

   The rest of the appointment was full of completing my charts and scheduling upcoming appointments, urine samples and blood sampling. I was anxious for the bloodwork, this was going to be the marker on whether to truly get excited or not....
   About a week later, all of my test came in and the fated call blew up my phone. "Cristina? This is _______ OBGYN. I have your test results and we have a couple of things to talk about."....my heart truly sank. This is how those previous phone calls have been that ended in miscarriage. I mumbled alright. "First off, your TSH is great so we aren't doing anything with your dosage at this time. It is 0.2 and that's right where we want it. Secondly, you do not have an immunity to Rubella, so you will need an immunization after you have your baby in the hospital, okay?" I smiled and said, "Woo hoo! Thank you so much!!"
WHAT A RELIEF! I scooted upstairs to let Clayton know the news and we wore secret smiles the rest of the day!

   As the days have progressed, my bloating is up and down, mood is up and down and the cravings combined with nausea...ranch corn chips with chocolate milk, peppers upon peppers with blue cheese, gluten free bagels with cream cheese, spoons of peanut butter and beef...OH THE BEEF!
   Now all of our children know and that is a relief. It is difficult to keep such an exciting, scary and adventurous secret! They were great and not too scared. It's scary watching mom get sick and having her struggle. It's hard being the sibling of a baby taken too soon---you don't get to have fun memories with them, you get an injured mom and dad, sadness, worry that your mom and dad will never be the same, (and they never are the same---everyone in the house is changed from this hard realization that some things aren't always rosy) and then there is the anger. Anger that this happened to your family. It's hard being that sibling. And many people don't even think about the children involved in those families. Those kids are being strong and waiting for their world, their parents, to not be broken in a million pieces, and some parents never recover. For us, as a couple, we got stronger. We've gone through the deaths of children and somehow lived to tell about it. We are shining after the storm. And our kids are simply beautifully amazing.
  To keep our lives as stress free as possible, we are keeping a lid on things still. We still aren't out of the woods yet, despite the large beams of light upon us, and we just want to keep our lives as routine as possible. Our stress levels depends on it! A lingering question for me is whether my Hashimoto's antibodies will remain inactive. That's key for our success as well and it is beyond my control besides taking my selenium supplement and staying away from my identified triggers like gluten and stress. I am developing my Reiki practice daily and the meditation is invaluable to me. I am writing this blog as we go as a record for others like us....gathering every speck of courage on this journey called Hashimoto's and Hypothyroidism.

Here's me and my Mini Cooper! My husband rebuilt the engine for me!

   With the cooler weather heading our way and the holidays coming up, we will have some decisions to make about public appearances and my possible exposure to Rubella. After the journey we've been on, we won't be taking that lightly. We do not want the chance of causing birth defects in our unborn little. I personally plan on avoiding areas where the chance of exposure is great and this includes family gatherings like weddings and birthday parties, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

10 weeks pregnant!

Surprise surprise!

   It was July 5, 2016, and I decided to wake up early and secretly take my test. My period was a day late and I'm usually right on time. I hadn't noticed much different with my body besides sore breasts and I had actually felt like I would get my period and then nothing was happening. With any thyroid problems and especially with Hashimoto's it is imperative to be on top of your bloodwork. You really need to know what your numbers are before trying to conceive and although we weren't necessarily trying, in fact - we had kind of given up on the idea that we would be parents again - we weren't opposed to the idea either. We had both decided the wonderful, amazing girls we have are truly enough. That doesn't mean the rest of our people felt the same. We still heard the same verbiage of how the girls wanted a sibling, how some  wished Clayton had a biological child, despite his incredible journey he took to be allowed to adopt the girls.
   With a body like mine, you have to know almost before you miss your first period if you are pregnant because your TSH numbers can shoot through the roof before you know it. And if your numbers are too high, miscarriage is eminent. There is no amount of doctoring that can fix it. As soon as I thought I might be pregnant, I took a pregnancy  test and then doubled up my thyroid medication before we even called our OB doctor with the news. I hadn't spoken to them since I got the all clear last year ... incidentally our last miscarriage was dated July 5, 2015. When I called, I immediately recognized this wasn't my doctor's nurse from before. You build a sort of report when you go through death with someone. Everyone in the office took such great care of us and some would mutter about how brave we were or strong. They admired us. This new nurse got acquainted with my charts on the phone. "I'm going to pull up your history and ......(pauses &  it seemed to last two minutes)...." I lightened the feel and said that we did have quite a history with them. "Yes, the first thing that jumps out at me is that you've had multiple miscarriages.......(another long pause).......and now I'm wondering about your TSH numbers." With a smile on my face in the phone I announced that I have two TSH tests and other bloodwork that was done previously and results from the lab work currently  and I would immediately be bringing those results. You could hear the relief in her voice. We dropped them over immediately and later that afternoon, the nurse called with no special instructions and they said everything looked in range.
   Our first appointment is July 28 - two days after my husband's 30th birthday. What a birthday present!
We are doing all we can to ensure a safe pregnancy. I've been taking my rounds of supplements and I am in really great health. My blood pressure is excellent and my TSH is in the new guidelines which is a huge relief!
   At this time, we have decided to keep our circle very small about the news of our little one....neither one of us wants to really deal with other people's hopes and dreams right now on this reality for us. It's our journey and we are excited, scared, anxious and hopeful. We don't need to add anyone else's worries, thoughts, careless verbalizations. It doesn't help much to hear that it won't happen again, that God has plans for us or any of that kinds of nonsense. With our history and vast knowledge on a subject we wish we knew nothing about, this is pretty much a matter of science.
   Zen is the word :)