Goals, giggles and great things

   Well my fellow Hashi Warriors, thyroid peeps and the like....HI!

Yoga with my Finn while camping

Chica the husky was doing her own pose..downward dog, maybe :).

  It's again been too long since I've talked with you! Have no doubt that you have been on my mind as I thoroughly enjoy our little Finn girl. We feel so blessed everyday to be able to look upon her with wild fascination. We take no moment for granted, knowing that many of you wish so much for the same miracle to come into your lives. It's summertime in our part of the world so our days are filled with lots of great activities like hiking, swimming and gardening and our nights have campfires and hammocks...I love this life!

My happy birthday this year

   News from my postpartum world is HUGE....my lifestyle changes have made a tremendous impact on my hypothyroidism. I am no longer required to supplement my thyroid with medication. I'm drug free so to speak! My body is producing enough on its own! I will continue to monitor my thyroidism to see if this is long-term. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to find the root of your thyroidism whether it is hyperthyroid or hypothyroid and fix the issue. Be your own scientist. Be your own sleuth. We wouldn't have our Finn here with us if it not had been for my belief that you can in fact heal your thyroid. Especially if you are trying to conceive with little results, or have incurred several miscarriages as we did, you must get to the root of the problem. I read lots of books, like Root Cause by Dr. Izabella Wentz. Click on the link and check it out! If you'd like to know more about the changes I made, please email me-I love talking about this and helping others find their path!
   Now....back to our little Finn! What a joy! We are learning all about her - and have adjusted pretty flawlessly. We wanted her so much for so long. Our other children seem to have adjusted to her arrival as well. People have asked me if it is like starting over again with there being nearly 14 years difference between our now middle child with our youngest. It's not starting over to me. I'm still a mom and always was one. I would say I thoroughly enjoy every moment - even when she has cried solid for two hours. This time will pass and one day I will miss it. It has been an adjustment for all of us, but a welcomed one. We have two daughters, just out on their own, who come visit us more frequently to forge a relationship with their sister. It warms our hearts to see that. She started laughing last week and the little giggles bring our 14-year-old to her side every time.

Breastfeeding in the hammock!

   Most of the Hashi people I've met, are like me, they were always healthy eaters, big into fitness. That's probably because you noticed your weight fluctuated so much and you needed to stay on top of whatever was going on. My postpartum journey on that side of things has been trying....after Finn arrived, my midwife checked my abdominal muscles and I had a whopper five-inch abdominal muscle separation, also known as Diastasis recti.  Not a huge surprise since this was my fourth live birth and actually eighth pregnancy. Resting those muscles are crucial for a healthy recovery---no heavy lifting, abdominal work or engaging those muscles at all. It's a little tough at times.  It took FOREVER for it to fuse back (nearly 12 weeks) and I'm still working on complications due to the condition. My hips are continually misaligning themselves and my lower back is weakened because of it.

We can, however, finally get back into the pool after three months of diastasis recti Hell :) BRING ME MY SUPERSUIT....regardless of how much extra skin I have floating around my mid-section! Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and despite this journey, my body has really served me well. I'm breastfeeding and with my gluten free/ low dairy diet, it hasn't been hard for me to melt away. I have had to incorporate some Sunflower Lecithin for healthy fats so my milk isn't like skim milk but that's a topic for another day. In the meantime, let's get those muscles strengthened! Finn is ready to join us in the pool!

Blessings!

Confessions of a parenting rebel

My name is Cris and my husband

and I cosleep with our newborn.

Let's just let that sink in for a moment...we...sleep...in...the...same...bed...as...our...baby....

   In this crazy day and age in the United States, parents like us feel the necessity to keep this forbidden activity a secret from friends, family and even coworkers and neighbors. And before I get people taking gigantic steps up to their proverbial soap box, I feel I can say a few words about this subject and it's not one that I take lightly.
   I came from a family where we are the statistic..my sibling, Sabrina Jo, died of SIDS or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome at the age of six months. My parents awoke one morning to one less child breathing in this world. My parents followed all of the "guidelines" of the day. My  mom did not smoke with my sister growing in her belly. They followed all the rules. She was in her own bed. She was not too hot or too cold. My family practiced "safe" sleeping guidelines. SIDS happened to my family.
    I do not have any memories of my sister while she was alive. I was only five years old.  My memories are of how she looked in her tiny casket. How they put make-up on her face and didn't they know make-up was for adults? I remember the cold, waxy  feel of her skin and how her smell was tainted. I would later smell that familiar smell in my high school science classroom. I have memories of random sad faces. I didn't understand  how we could leave her alone in the ground.  I was terrified of angels taking the rest of my family. I learned very early on that life just  isn't fair.
   During my youth, I spent  time researching SIDS. And even into my adulthood, I keep an eye on the research to see if the scientists and doctors are making any headway. Thirty years later, there still are unanswered questions to this label. I call it a label because sometimes infant death receives the SIDS label when the death is unexplained. It is still a mystery.
   People like myself grow up physically. We meet someone and we eventually want to have a family of our own, regardless of  the intense fear. Somehow, you conquer your brain and go for it. That first year of your child's life, you are a bundle of nerves. You read up on all the guidelines for sleeping, look at any new research, some of us pray.
   We sleep with our newborn and I'm here to say that I'm proud that I do. Our Finn has her own bed on our bed...it's called a sleep nest. I learned of this nifty little piece while looking into other countries like Finland and how they handle their infants. We aren't the only country that has babies. There is a whole great world out there that has successful child rearing going on. According to the National Center for Education for Maternal and Child Health at Georgetown University,  compared to rates in other developed countries, the U.S. SIDS rate remains high. For example, in 2005, the U.S. rate ranked second highest (after New Zealand) among 13 countries in a research study by Fern Hauck and Kawai Tanabe. The lowest SIDS rates among these countries were in the Netherlands and Japan. And according to James J. McKenna, PhD, "Most cultures that routinely practice cosleeping, in any form, have very rare instances of SIDS. SIDS occurrences are among the lowest in the world in Hong Kong, where cosleeping is extremely common".
   There are safe ways to sleep with your infant, so that people like myself, can sleep. But sadly, there are few resources in America where parents can find good information. A big push of governmental offices is to push families into not having a hands on approach to sleeping. We just received a parcel through the postal mail from our state's Governor that included several pamphlets and a child's book about safe sleeping including sleeping alone in the crib. My husband and I agreed that we wanted to be safely close to our little miracle all of the time. We've been through so much and with our history of miscarriages and my own history with SIDS, we looked into all options.

Safe Ways To Cosleep

   According to the United Kingdom's The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE), there are some safety guidelines to follow.

• Keep your baby cool by using sheets and blankets rather than a duvet.
• Ensure bedding does not cover your baby’s face or head.
• Always put your baby to sleep on their back rather than their front or side.
• Babies don’t need a pillow until they are at least a year old. They should also be kept away from parents' pillows.
• Never risk falling asleep with your baby on a sofa or armchair. If you’re feeling really tired and think you may fall asleep with your baby while feeding or cuddling them on a sofa or armchair, move to a bed (keeping in mind the safety guidelines above) or, if possible, ask your partner, friend or family member to look after them while you get some rest. 

For more indepth research and tips on cosleeping, click here.

   We enjoy cosleeping. She practically has her own half of our bed and we enjoy ours -my husband and I love to 'sleep pile'--- sleep in a pile. :) We like to cuddle together and listen to her breathing, dreaming and laughing in her sleep right next to us. There is a loving touch from one of us as soon as she utters a noise. I can groggily breastfeed our baby from the comfort of our bed and maybe catch a few zzz's afterwards before we start our exciting days. Finn enjoys her nest---sleeping and then waking up and  looking  around the room in which she was born. There is nothing more natural to us. And honestly, I think many of the people we know cosleep at some point of their infant's life....they are just closet cosleepers.

We cosleep - Hear Our ROAR!

Rocks: The importance of a few rocks and other things in your life

Bouldering in the Black Hills, South Dakota

Big week my fellow blog enthusiasts, Hashimoto's and Autoimmune warriors and loved ones also in the battle...I started a new hobby this week....BOULDERING! This can be a strenuous and extreme, fulfilling and challenging sport and it had me in it's grips from the moment I put on those uncomfortable climbers shoes.

My rock climbing rocks with me. Happy anniversary to us this week!

I love you, my Clayton!

I know starting anything new can be a daunting thought

when you are battling.

I'm no different. Bouldering is something I've been wanting to pick up and do and five month ago, I would've told you this probably wasn't looking like it could happen for me...EVER. I've always been active and my drive to succeed far outweighs almost anything...except when I was having my last Hashimoto's flare and my need to sleep won over everything. So just how do I get from barely being able to get out of bed to conquering a boulder with my physique and wits? Lots of research and understanding about how Hashimoto's people might not be able to utilize the nutrients you are fueling your body with. I started with an open mind about what the experts know and don't know about this autoimmune condition and the reality is that there are LOTS of contradicting evidence out there. If you are new to the journey, my advice is to realize that this condition is so personalized that it can take people decades to get a diagnosis...and I'm one of those people! With this in mind, remember to be open to try different things, think scientifically about yourself as a machine and fuel up as you should.

I'll save the HEY YOU NEED TO GO GLUTEN FREE for another time, Hashimoto's warrior. Today, we are talking about the importance of healing from the inside out and supplementing your diet with vitamins and minerals to benefit your immune system, assist your body in metabolism (now that something that we always battle) and vitamins to help your nervous system, including your brain, to function better.

Here's my personal arsenal ... seems daunting but after I researched

each and every one of the beauties I was sold on

popping pills or mixing cocktails up for my well being to make 

my day to day living easier.

• Selenium: This element can be found in a variety of food including fish and Brazil nuts. People with thyroid problems, weakened immune systems and depression patients have all been found to be low in selenium. If you battle allergies or endocrine system problems, look into having your selenium levels tested.
• Tyrosine: This amino acid is critical to the nervous system and helps clear up any anxiety issues or brain fog that might be putting a veil over your world. Tyrosine is essential for helping you with how you perceive and interact with your environment. Addition of this amino acid has been helped to reduce chronic fatigue, depression and other symptoms.
• Zinc: If you are in a high risk category, like having Crohn's disease or other digestive or immune conditions, you need to take a look at this often overlooked mineral. Zinc aids in fighting infections, cell division and cell turnover to heal wounds.
• Vitamin E: This vitamin plays a vital role in a healthy immune system. It aids the body in regulating vitamin A. Vitamin E is an antioxidant which means it protects your good cells from harmful and damaging free radicals while you are healing. It's also fantastic for hair and nails...both of those are problem areas for Thyroid people.
• Vitamin C: Otherwise also known as L-ascorbic acid, this wonderful stuff boosts your immune system, supports good gut bacteria, combats stress and lowers high cholesterol among other benefits.
• Tumeric: Part of traditional Ayurvedic medicine, Tumeric aids in inflammation and adrenal gland stimulator. Personally, this stuff has made all the difference in the world with my chronic pain and inflammation and allowed me to perform my exercise routine pain free, a feat I hadn't been able to enjoy for nearly a decade.
• Thytrophin PMG: As with many medical routes, there is the inevitable controversy...welcome to Thytrophin PMG. I researched, talked to pharmacists and my personal healthcare team about the possibility of taking this hormone. I've got to say, I'm on month two of this supplement and I've had no side effects that I've noticed and I've got two week to blood work to see how this affected my system. Basically, this is being used as a decoy for my body to attack this instead of my thyroid. The medical field has actually recently documented the Thyroid gland repairing itself and regenerating just as the liver can. It just needs a little help to stop the onslaught of my amazing body kicking its' own butt. We needed a decoy until this vicious cycle can simmer down!
• Probiotics: Gut health means making sure you carry around the thousands of little bacteria that are essential to healthy digestions. Not having the right balance means sleeplessness, depression, metabolism issues, anxiety issues, and many other problems that are easily solved by getting the right bugs into your system. Look into the many forms of probiotics.
• Coconut Oil: It's not shown in the picture, but I enjoy the heck out of the this oil. It really has aided in healing my gut. I drink it in my coffee, my tea, I cook with it and I even use it as a skin moisturizer.

Ask your healthcare team to check any of these levels or look into the symptoms of deficiency yourself! Be proactive!

Staring up at those rocks, I was quietly nervous. I really have had many more days of good than bad and I know it can take upwards of two years to completely heal your insides from the damage your magnificent body can do to itself. I've been researching and adding elements to my health plan for five months. I've had to back off of my workouts because it became detrimental for me to do them. It was doing more harm than good at the time. I'm only up to two to three times a week in my workouts. Can I conquer these rocks? Will my brain be on point? How about my grip? There are times in life when you just breath, smile and begin to believe in your body again.

On my first day of bouldering, I took on some V4s and had a brilliant time enjoying the company of my life companion and best friend as we celebrated another year together.

Cheers!

Survival of the Flares: Some people make it, some don't

"To  be Jedi is to face the truth, and choose. Give off light, or darkness, Padawan. Be a candle or the night."---Yoda, Jedi Knight of Star Wars

Photo by Cris Ness

"Facing Hashimoto's the Ness Way"

Copyrighted 2015

   I love my job!  I'm a server and bartender in a bustling brewery...what could be better?! I love the people  I meet and the ones I stand along side, grinding the shift, to make their dreams come true. Last night, I shared a story with a coworker about a four-year-old boy in my section that recognized me when I approached the table. He proclaimed,"Hey I've seen you run!...I've seen you run by my house!" I told my coworker it was great to hear because I've really had to taper back my activities. I talked about trying to get on top of my "flares" through healing from the inside out and it can take months to begin to see or feel results.He looked puzzled and asked what's wrong with me. He said he has never noticed anything...that  I am one of the most vibrant and positive people he's ever met. After I explain my autoimmune conditions, he smiled and said I am a shining example for people. I never complain and I'm always radiating positivity. I guess I'm a candle :)Thank you, Padawan Learner Conger😊
   Autoimmune Flares: A gigantic, enormous pain-in-the-booty obstacle when a person is trying live a life worth living! With autoimmune conditions, like fibromyalgia or Hashimoto's, outside factors like stress or a even a simple viral infection will start a  domino effect towards a life jolting medical condition called a flare.  And just what is a flare? Flares affect each individual differently. For me, a flare has physical and psychological aspects. Physically, every joint including my toe joints ache and is inflamed. Simply rising out of bed feels like that time you might remember as having the worst flu of your life. Walking to the bathroom deserves a medal of sorts made of glittering gold. Then there is the fatigue...it's not to be confused with tired. Tired means you can sleep and feel refreshed. Fatigue is sleeping 20 hours and when you wake you are still in the middle of a fog land. You feel as exhausted as when you went to bed. Now add in some hellish anxiety that haunts your waking moments and also my slumber can be filled with INTENSE night terrors due to high anxiety present add in some severe sweating issues while sleeping and that's MY flare. Flares can be this intense lasting for days. I've literally had 24 hour periods where the only time I've been up among the living is for my four hour work shift.

   My last flare was debilitating and it really frightened my family. It brought forth the questions from our kids like, "Mom, can what you have make you die?" I'm always honest. With a brave smile, I said "yes it can, but I'm not going anywhere!" Dealing with a flare leaves little time for relationships with others. My main priority has got to be me and mine. My true friends and family whole heartedly understand this.

  Photo by Cris Ness

"Luna Magic"

Copyrighted 2015

    The positive thing I can say about a flare is that it really takes the hard work out of finding out who really loves you and who is just using you. My friends all know me. They are confident in our relationship that  I'm not blowing them off. When I've made plans and end up canceling (which has had to happen more than a few times) because I don't feel well, I get texts back saying,"hey I'm sorry! If you need me to do anything, I'm your lady!" I'm super lucky I've surrounded myself with these kind of people. Of course, I rarely take them up on it, but having the offer is awesome!
   On this Hashimoto's journey we are on, I've met new people that I really am drawn to but again at this moment in time, I have no extra energy to develop a relationship. If those people are meant to be in my life, they will still be there when I am finished healing myself up.
   Some of my other friends haven't survived the flares. Those are the people that need to see a sick person as proof of their personal doctor's note. My absence doesn't raise inquiries besides loathing thoughts of me not being able to accommodate them in some way. I hear phrases like "You are always sick!" ...yeah imagine how my family feels...or how I do! "You haven't been out or even to my house in months!" ....my response is usually, "You are right. I've had enough energy lately to scale back a few hours at my work so I could be a wife and mom and do things with them. Yes
I haven't been well enough to make time for other things."

•  Hashimoto's is a mostly invisible illness...It's a very private battle fought within yourself. Stress is a big trigger. When I'm collecting negative guff for not being able to make appearances at other people's children's ball games, fundraisers or even to host a sleepover, I keep my flare survival in mind. I become my own Jedi Master. Nobody is going to extinguish my candle of positivity and hope by holding me captive in their proverbial darkness.

1. My family and myself come first. Period. Nobody is going to guilt me into taking on extra duties for them. I'm certainly worth more than that.
2. Flares happen. A flare happens even when you are healing. Stay the course and do what you need to do to survive your flare.
3. Cuddles are worth a million dollars. My husband and kids are championship material when it comes to cuddling. I may not have the energy at this moment to play badminton, but I sure am open to cuddles and a family movie!
4. Keep stress at bay. You can't change people's opinion if you are really sick. Those who truly love you, won't make you prove it. And if they want you to, then I guess they are going to have to wait until you feel up to filling their demands...which for me is probably never. I mean, when I really could've used a helping hand with helping out with my family---where were they?! Not looking any further than their silly demands.
5. Enjoy the simple in every day. Allow yourself to say no to others. You are worth it! Every day is a good day sprinkled with opportunities to make it grand. Be light. Be a candle. When you are down, reread your favorite book, look through the window and watch a feathered friend, indulge in celebrating you by embracing who you are.

   I've spent my healing time focusing on my family, celebrating our moments and truly feeling blessed with everyone who has kept in touch with me while I heal. Those people are my tribe, my clan, my village and I love each and every one of them...including my online friends that I might have never laid eyes on but have taken a liking to me and my shenanigans.

May Shenanigans Always Be With You and Within You.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Really, I am a fierce WARRIOR!!!

   I've always been an active person...swimming, yoga, running 10k, teaching cardio and water yoga classes, volunteering at local schools in the running department...yes I'm active. Many times I would be contacted via online or text to give someone the push needed to get off the couch and I will gladly do it! After all, I needed to work out that day too...I treated every day as a new exciting chapter and I included exercise as part of my daily ritual. It kept my mood light, I felt good about myself and I knew those pesky pounds would stay away! My scale could be two pounds light or heavy depending on the hour, so despite the aches and pains, I thought a girl has to do what a girl has to do! I needed to be a shining example to our daughters, coworkers and family...fitness is where it's at! Below is daughter Sydnie and I doing partner yoga at one of our favorite lakes where we live. The next shot is me, 40 years old, at the aquatic managment position I held for 10 years.

   Since my Hashimoto's diagnosis in the beginning of 2016, I've spent much of my time and energy on learning how to deal with this autoimmune condition. I am finally ready to admit I have chronic pain with my condition. My usual routine of dealing with this was through yoga, spiritual teachings and absolutely no medication. I never lined up for over-the-counter remedies. I always believed mind over matter. Eventually, I would become so run down, I might be laid up in bed for three days, possibly put on anxiety medication and told to alleviate stress. Soon, I would pick myself back up and start my daily rituals again.
   Chronic pain is not something you'll hear me talk about much. I keep my aches and pains to myself.  My philosophy is that whining about it will do nobody in my life any good and that includes me. Once I've admitted the many, many ways I hurt, my awesome family can now recognize the signs of me having a "bad" day....slightly puffy eyes, moving just a half step slower than my regular speeding. People at work might ask me if I have got enough sleep because I look tired. When I hear these things, that means it's time for me to identify what's going on to stay on top of my Hashimoto's.

   This is me and my fierce and feisty, sweet and loving girl, Chica, cuddling and resting like I sometimes need to. See my thyroid eyes ;)
  I battle inflammation in my joints daily. I control the inflammation with a morning cocktail! No I'm not binging alcohol but a lovingly mixed drink of 4 oz. Orange juice, 1 tsp turmeric powder, 1/8 tsp cream of tartar, 1/8 tsp pink sea salt, 1/8 tsp black pepper...this is a refreshing treat for my adrenal glands and hits my inflamed joints! Depending on the day, I may indulge in this amazing wonder drink up to three times a day. Incorporating turmeric in my body has changed my life! Last month, I swam the butterfly stroke for 20 minutes and my shoulders haven't been able to perform that stroke in a decade!
   Experts are finding that although exercise is very important for Hashimoto's people, it is also important to allow the down time for your body to heal. With a very anxious, worried mind and a rather large gulp, I cut back my workouts to 2 to 3 times per week. I watched and I waited. With the extra time that I normally devoted to myself, I continued to center on me by resting and researching while I did it. I've invested lots of my time to healing my immune system through autoimmune dietary changes and incorporating vitamin and mineral supplements to balance my systems.
   Results aren't immediate, and once you've started on the Hashimoto's road, you'll quickly discover results are seen in minimum 6 weeks to 3 months. Change is slow. I try to remember I didn't get this way overnight. My family supports my healing process. They see many many more good days happening. There's no shame in becoming the champion cuddle warrior to help speed the process of healing from the inside out....while I daydream of participating in my private ironman competition.

Cleansing The Things In Me...parasites, flukes and candida OH MY!

"Well honey, at least they aren't in you anymore," my perfectly loving husband said to me as he squeezed the wounded me that was literally curled up in a ball in the middle of the floor after my last bathroom visit.   
We take lots of things for granted living in a nice and tidy first world country like the United States. Only until recent years, has this country felt the real life crunch of a  water shortage like in California or the problems of toxic fish population making the way into the food production lines of companies and on the shelves of the supermarkets. We can control the temperatures of our homes with technology that rides around in our pockets and purses, chat with someone across the country 24/7 and much of the population can afford to buy delectable drinks for $6 -12 ounces of liquid sweet yumminess. We have a plethora of medications that can fix anything from acne to fungus infections to various strains of cancer. We are pretty safe and sound.
   My Hashimoto's journey has led on a knowledge and health pilgrimage. I delegate a number of minutes daily to research, performing health tasks and basic time for assessing how I feel (if I have any new symptoms, feel ill in any way, just being extremely conscious of how I feel). I do this everyday....because I need to be the navigator of my own health. It assists me in being able to put others first at all other times of the day so I can be the best wife and the best mom and the best friend to people in my life.
   Now....onto the topic of today's lesson: THE PARASITIC CLEANSE. Throughout much of my research, I would encounter a few mentions of the parasitic cleanse and quickly bypass it.....because Oh Em Gee I didn't even want to think about it and our food supply isn't bad here anyways, I doubt this is even possible. Every time I ran upon the subject, I opened my cracked eye just a wee bit more and read a few more words. Finally, I came to terms that it was possible that I could be hosting a parasitic discoteque complete with flukes and protozoa and with autoimmune conditions like Hashimoto's, fibromyalgia and those that have contracted the Epstein Barr virus are at a higher risk of being a host to the creepy crawlies. I took some big gulps and looked into ways to "detox my system"  ( preferable way of talking about this thing called a parasitic cleanse).
   I pride myself on not taking a lot of drugs on the market --- or off the market for that matter. I really don't even enjoy taking Ibuprofen or cold medicine. I'm a nature gal what can I say. This journey has had me popping more pills that people stumbling onto an unmanned bubble wrap factory filled to capacity. So, needless to say, it was crucial that I find a way to detox my body without polluting it more with man-made chemicals. I deworm my dogs with Guinness
stout. And of course, they LOVE that! I would love that too if I wasn't gluten intolerant and I'm not sure it's tough enough to work on with humans, but my husband has volunteered to be the Guinness pig....get it---Guinness....
   Oil  of Oregano in capsule is the miracle drug of my choice for this job! It's efficient, it's economical, it's natural. It kills everything in its' path including any little fungus infections -- which I had been battling a skin infection on and off for months. It does kill any bacteria both good and bad which is why I've included a broad spectrum probiotic in my line up as well to replenish the good guys.  I've also discovered on my journey that keeping a health journal is essential to keeping tabs on your treatment...it has come in aid to me numerous times when visiting with my healthcare team to me trying my little science experiments on myself and seeing if what I am trying works or makes me feel worse. I'm a complete science nerd so this fits all my nerdy desires.
   I did notice after the second dose, I felt a few aches and pains. I was still experiencing headaches, joint inflammation and muscle soreness. The dosage I followed suggested up to 200 mg per day. I started with 50 mg for three days just to see and upped it when things completely got real. After the dosage was more potent, I could feel movement, I could see real results. And those little guys are abandoning ship any which way they can...just remember that your skin is also an organ of your body.  I will not go into detail here, just know that you can google images of those critters and yeah----I had one of the best parasite parties going on in my body temple....and I worship myself like nobody's business. I love me...and apparently so did they because I had Candida, tapeworms, egg sacks, flukes and hook worms all living within my sacred walls! Mortified cannot even begin to describe my mental wellness at this point.
   My advice to anyone that has had these symptoms, is to not be afraid and just face the possibility that you might be a host. Contact your physician and get tested if you feel the need. Especially if you are in the high risk category (like having autoimmune conditions, being hypothyroid or hyperthyroid, have had EBV.)
I went along with the oil of oregano method because even if I didn't have anything, it wouldn't hurt me having that going in my system. Contact your physician, chiropractor, healthcare provider if you suspect a parasitic infestation, be proactive! I'm not a doctor of any sorts but knowledge is power so get yourself aware.
Continue the oil of oregano for 4-6 weeks and then maybe put this on your calendar for every year. I'm such a control Nazi about things that I might just go ahead and do this in the fall too---time will tell. I know I'll never ever let myself be blind to the fact that I might get worms every now and then thanks to my autoimmune conditions. And that's just how I roll.

The magic of answers---Hashimoto's and Thyroidism

   Finally! 2016 is really proving itself....I have Hashimoto's and now that I am on a synthetic thyroid hormone, I also am classified as hypothyroid.  It might sound crazy scary, but what my family and I have  had to endure has been nothing short of a neverending nightmare. I've gone to countless doctors, physicians, and  specialists  over the years. I became an extreme health nut and exercise guru. I was diagnosed anemic, having IBS, prescribed anti-depressants at one time or another, was told "it was all in your head so I think it's stress induced". At one point, I developed so many allergies I had to give myself three shots a week for a few years. I finally quit going to the doctor and just tried to be as healthy as I could be....but it quit working and I was gaining symptoms left and right. Over the course of my adulthood, I've had four miscarriages...I've lost four babies. And we can't explain how truly fortunate  we are to have the precious three girls we get to enjoy as they giggle, cry, love, live and grow.   
   It has been several months since I've had the energy to even attempt to remember where this  blog was...and I wish I was joking. Brain fog....B-R-A-I-N--F-O-G had me in it's grips for months after we lost our last baby in July 2015. Not only was I mildly depressed from yet another loss,  it took quite a few months to get my synthetic thyroid dosage correct, which isn't uncommon for my fellow Hashi sufferers. The purpose of this blog originally was for miscarriage awareness and honestly it was an easy way for us to communicate with family and friends on a grander about how we were doing with loss like this. After I got pointed in certain directions with my health, I took charge of my health care...I customized and ordered my own lab tests through a wonderful website that goes through a local testing facility like LabCorp. After taking charge, I decided that I needed to pick up this blog again for all those moms and dads out there, all the siblings of lost babies who are being affected every day, every year with undiagnosed thyroid issues.
   With our last baby, we felt pretty positive that it couldn't possible happen again...I was healthier (or so I thought) than I had been in a long time. I had made some changes to my life and my doctor had found that my thyroid was the reason for this miscarriage this time. We just needed to get my thyroid number where it needed to be. I felt better within two days but not all my symptoms vanished and lots of them began appearing again after leaving.  I had severe joint pain going on, headaches, my vision was changing constantly, racing heart patterns to low blood pressure, hair loss from hell (it was sticking to the walls and ceiling every time I blew it dry), my eyebrows became half brows, my skin was dry and bleeding, feeling cold and seriously did I mention I was cold....shall I go on??? ....My weight literally could have a three pound difference within a one day period, I was sleeping all the time, night terrors (I can't remember having a good dream in my life honestly until I fixed a few things), bleeding gums, random patches of skin fungus, ringing ears that turned into "What? WHAT?!" I could barely hear things....OK enough about me LOL.
   More research was required.  My customized tests revealed a positive test for antibodies and that led me on the change of a lifetime....GOING GLUTEN FREE!!  In the Western world, this "diet"  isn't for the faint hearted. There were withdrawals that lasted over a month. People with Hashimoto's have bodies that recognize that little wheat protein and use it like heroin, you also get confused and attack yourself! You binge, you need that feeling. I'm so lucky my family thinks the world of me...I was a MONSTER!
   I also need to mention I relied on my chiropractor and therapeutic massage therapist for this big turn around as well. Both of them helped me rid myself of toxins, stress, joint inflammation and just overall as a person trying to not feel defeated. They listened and we worked as a team to help  me feel empowered and on the road to better health. They also gave me ideas or leads on things to research like vitamins and supplements my body might be lacking with autoimmune diseases. In fact, at my last appointment, the two of them were taking notes from me about things that have worked  so they could spread messages to a few of their other patients exhibiting the same symptoms I was having.  I've spent hours and hours researching, and sometimes my husband can't believe all the work I've put into finding out the answers.  In the end, I AM WORTH IT and that's all there is to it! :)
Cheers!

Someday soon we will be a rising Phoenix

    Last night was long.....after our usual Tuesday movie date night, things turned very dark. Fast forward to 3 AM and we found ourselves waiting for a pain med subscription in the local Walgreens,  processing the events that led us saying our good-bye to our rainbow baby. It was hard, it was painful.
   Throughout my life adventures and misadventures, I always try to learn something. What is the point if one doesn't, right? With our first miscarriage, I admit I didn't learn much besides how it feels to feel numb, truly empty, helpless and shamefully envious. I didn't allow myself to feel anything for several days...I was a robot, going through the motions until my deluge of turmoil came boiling out to my husband's great relief.
   This pregnancy was going to be different. We mentally prepared for the horror. But in doing so, it truly allowed us to enjoy every second we had with our little one that couldn't stay. We grew courageous and allowed ourselves to dare to dream of a life that could be. Even through the struggles, the aches, the changes, we welcomed it. We strived to stay positive and planned. And even through our process last night, we both would gaze in each other's eyes amidst the storm and talk about how lucky we are to be in this together, how wondrous our living kids are and how fortunate we are to have so many people including those all around the U.S., around the world, along with those here at home who celebrated, prayed and supported us during this entire pregnancy...and those who cheered us on to conquer our fears of trying again. What I've learned from this is that savoring each precious moment made me have no regrets and ultimately made me feel stronger.
    In this moment, we are indeed broken, but not unrepairable. We are crying, having difficulty breathing, crushed. But we will come out better. I can't thank everyone enough for your prayers, smiles and excitement for this pregnancy. As strange as it might sound to some, we consider ourselves lucky to have such a vast support system. We are not alone.
   In the coming days, we will have much to process. I may not answer my phone, or respond to texts or messages in a timely manner. My husband has been my rock and our kids are a huge help. Your prayers and healing light are greatly appreciated. We will rise again.

Strength, love and the thought of a rainbow

   We probably had the most stressful Independence Day weekend for us on record. Not only was it our deceased cousin and friend's birthday where we would spend time with him yearly, but my body decided to throw a little more emotion in the mix and I began spotting at work Saturday night. The hours and minutes ticked by excruciatingly.....old buried emotions boiled to the surface of our lost angel. My husband and I just laid around gaming and watching movies on Sunday to see if the spotting would stop.
   Earlier this week, we had received a call from the doctor's office on Wednesday that my blood work came back with the conclusion that my thyroid gland wasn't functioning properly. I've been put on a thyroid hormone treatment. I researched and found the possible reason for our angel baby was that simple fact. Miscarriage is 80% probable if your thyroid is under working and the symptoms are so silent....feeling cold, excessive fatigue, aching feet, excessive weight gain (which I had with all of my pregnancies), nausea, sweating, shortness of breath, high anxiety or feelings of anxiousness.....all pretty harmless, lots that sound just like pregnancy. We were relieved to hear that maybe we found our answer to the biggest mystery of our lives. I also found out I come from a line of ladies in my family with the same problem.
   But we aren't out of the woods....it takes 4-6 weeks for the thyroid hormone supplement to build up in your system ....without being pregnant. Are we fighting an uphill battle? We aren't sure. I've done nothing but pray and rest since that call. I've been praying....and praying. Then the spotting started....more prayers.
   We phoned our doctor this morning with our symptom and received instructions on my blood type (not comforting) in the case of an ER visit, when to go to the ER, and what to look for. If things do not improve and do not get worse, to give them a call in a few days and "hopefully we will see you on the 28th at your regular visit. Some things just can't be helped. Good luck and we look forward to seeing you then." ......yup, we are on our own with this.....
   Clayton spent the morning holding me, crying with me as we huddled together trying to hold each other up. He talked to my belly, telling the little soul to hang in there, that he wants to meet him/her and they have a wonderful family that is amazing waiting for them. It was emotionally sweet and heart wrenching all at once. I just silently cried laying there, trying to not take away from his moment with our little one.
   Every trip to the bathroom was grueling....I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to see. But, thankfully, I can report that it hasn't gotten any worse and quite possibly has eased up. Sadly, I can't even describe how I feel....a side affect of my thyroid medication is feeling spacey and I do feel like it is working. My anxiety is so much better than it was, so is my nausea, and fatigue. But then again it makes me feel like my pregnancy symptoms are disappearing....scary!! But I am feeling the other symptoms of thyroid fading too, hopefully the baby is getting the thyroid hormone and not just me.
   I spent some time in my garden this afternoon and my spotting didn't worsen....a little ray of hope!

We talked and prepared for the worst, what to do, who to call, how to handle the kids when and if we have to go tonight because my Clayton has to work and what to do in the next few days. We are prepared...so maybe that means we won't need this plan. Maybe, this is just a little bump in the road to our miracle rainbow baby. Time will tell. One day, one minute  at a time is the reminder for us once again.

Congratulations! It's looking like a healthy baby!

    This morning couldn't have come at a better time....the grueling weekend has taken its toll on all of us awaiting this ultrasound. For me, I just wanted to see a beating heart, but for my husband the image on the screen made this whole situation seem real....I've come to realize. When he saw the healthy little Ness, he placed his hand over his mouth and took the imagery all in with amazement.
   Our appointment was better than routine...the nurses were so excited to see us back for this happy time! There were giggles, big smiles and hardy congratulations darting our way through the whole office. They are such a supportive team and have always given me a warm feeling when I've gone in for my check-ups since our loss. They were very compassionate during our loss as well, despite seeing that circumstance many times over with different folks.
   After hearing that our little peanut had the heartbeat of a micro champion and that no special worries were reserved for us, that we should continue business as usual, we took a stroll and soaked up the moment with healthy smoothies in the sunshine. "I think I want to tell everyone," he exclaimed. I said he could do as he chooses and smiled.
   In his safe, he still has the pregnancy test from our lost baby...the only positive confirmation he had from that pregnancy. He also has the positive pregnancy test from our rainbow baby and has taken looks at it daily since I gave it to him. Today was special for him and one step closer. He held in his mighty hands the photos from our ultrasound for minutes on end. It is real, it is good, it is hopeful, it is happening.
   Oftentimes, everyone forgets about the hopeful dad that is eagerly awaiting the baby and many times his wounds are invisible to the world only thinking about the momma clenching her empty belly after loss. Dads long for their babies just as much as moms do.
   My husband is a solid rock for me....he never let on how truly worried he was about this appointment, he remained positive and steadfast, downright joyful....but he's been sleeping like a bear for two hours since we've returned from our joyous obgyn appointment to see our little Ness on the big screen.

Life in this exact moment

   We've entered the 8th week of pregnancy....feeling a bit more awful, tired, and crabby and I don't mean to be.....honest! I was thrilled to find myself at 8 weeks and then I proceeded to get sleepy and tummy turned. Last week I found an app that allows you to hear your baby's heartbeat through your iPad and I'm so small we could hear it! The conveniences of modern technology! This fun activity helped the time go by when our silent nerves would creep in. But if I had my way, I would have it on constantly, to keep reassuring me I'm not living a fantasy. Something to ponder: to Doppler or not Doppler, that is the question.
   Our kids' baby elation has quickly turned into as barrage of Q and A whenever they see me. "How are you feeling, mom?" ..."are you eating enough, mom?"..."Did you sleep well enough?".  It's usually when I just feel like being quiet,  so again I appear cranky with my answers.... Incidentally, I love you Sum, Jo and Keira.
   We've been doing so well keeping positive and upbeat about this pregnancy. We've already settled on our baby lifestyle ...you know, cloth or disposable, breast or bottle, minimalist versus extravaganza, crib, cradle or hammock, vaccination schedules for pregnancy and beyond. We've even picked names. I've been feeling pretty well so it was easy.....and then today hit. I basically slept all day yesterday until work. I felt awful, tired, sick. No cramps .... so far. This morning I had a slight tinge of color on my tissue and a full body sweat erupted. Not again. Panicked beyond control, I slinked off to our bed and said I never wanted to leave it again for a long time and I just wanted to drop off the planet. My loving husband held me and coaxed me to use the Doppler. Thankfully, I found the tiny racing heartbeat and our minds were eased for the time being. I've had nothing beyond that one incident and nothing more to trouble me so far. It could've been anything, time will tell.
   Our ultrasound is in four days and I am living for that small goal. I just want us to be able to see a healthy baby on that screen. Lots of times, that ultrasound is the harbinger of bad news for parents like us. It's the moment they find out they will be expecting a miscarriage. But I believe in moments of joy.  I have to!
   I never realized how courageous we truly are. When I first told my cousin about our pregnancy, the very first thing she said to me was how courageous I am in all that I do, and especially with this. There are moments that can literally take the breath out of me when I'm not feeling strong in my pregnancy....when I'm hearing about other people's due dates, their happy nonchalant pregnancies, or how they just blindly know things will be fine. I've experienced the horror story and come to realize that I still have to fight the urge of being in control....that Google is of absolutely no comfort to me ....that sometimes all I  can say is "at this exact moment, this exact time, the baby and I are doing fine."

Pregnancy After Loss Isn't For Wimps!

   Two little blue lines showed up! We are pregnant and elated! It's been a long road of ups and downs and curves and we finally got those two little tiny blue lines on the stick! We couldn't wait to share our news with our family! With mostly positive responses, we truly savored this moment....and then my nerves settled in. Pregnancy after loss isn't for wimps! The lesson this week: enjoy each day.
   I guess I should start by telling a little background....we have been pregnant before. We were that happy family, you know the innocent ones - making plans for the future and thinking of how things were going to be. Thinking about the activities we would be sharing with our little bundle, planning the first years. We have three older children already and they were excited that a little bundle would be joining us. We were literally three days from that scary window of the first trimester.
    I hadn't been feeling well that weekend but I was alright and then I started spotting, nothing significant at first. Bed rest it was. But the bleeding got worse, until it became bright red and within an hour I was in the emergency room with our aborted 11 weeks and four day old pinkish baby lying motionless on a tray, my eldest daughter who had to drive me by my side. A brief moment later, my husband rushed in to me and I silently cried. We all did. I felt utterly betrayed by my body, my belief system, by the world. We left the hospital that night in a fog of shock and disbelief. December 9, 2013, will be in our memories forever.
   I know our child got to be 11 weeks and four days because that's what I was told at our follow up appointment. My doctor explained that I was one of the unlucky ones because she had no conclusive answers for us on why this happened. All the tests they ran on the baby as well as myself came up with nothing abnormal....not that it would have helped my demeanor anyway. I had just experienced sitting in a waiting room with bellies for 45 minutes because my appointment was pushed back. "There ought to be a law," I joked in my head trying to get through this moment. It was emotionally grueling. As were the following weeks after the loss. Awkward conversations, people literally feeling my tummy or staring at it at the very least, those statements that are meant to make you feel better but really just sound as dumb as if you are telling a parent of a deceased five-year- old that at least they still have their other children....just smile and wave and exist and move on.
   I went home after that happy to know I was alright, but the void was still there. My body didn't want to believe the pregnancy was gone, in fact, for the next two months I was still setting off those two blue lines. My doctor said the hormones would disappear on their own, my body was in limbo and we just needed to wait it out. Taking those tests became the weekly ritual. I longed for my baby and silently cursed every time I heard someone complain about being pregnant. My husband and I had many great talks about it because he could understand how I felt, he lived this with me.
      My husband coped by focusing on how lucky he was that I was healthy and fine. This scare was never going to happen to us again, it was too risky. We couldn't do this, it's too much of a gamble. Our other children are not his biologically, but it didn't matter. From the moment he got to know them, they were his. They legally took his name June 5, 2014, after months and months of paperwork. Things were going all of our way and why rock the boat. The divorce rate alone on parents that suffer a loss is a staggering 86%, according to recent findings. We were lucky in that respect. Our communication skills really got us through those dark passages we would find ourselves in.
   Our family got stronger. We started having fun again, especially after I started to feel like myself again. We laughed. We loved. We cried. We laughed some more. We dreamed. Our kids would begin to drop hints that they wanted another sibling. They got to the point they would demand it. "What are you two doing out of your room? Get back in there!"
   With assurance from the doctor, we forged forward with our proverbial shields and swords wielded.....and six months went by with nothing. Every month was a negative test, every month was a bust. We finally gave up on the notion. My husband and I enjoyed a stay in Scotland and vowed to go back and stay a while. Life was great! I had recently had an art show and published a book. Could things get any better? We have everything we need so quit longing for what you don't have, we would tell ourselves.
   And then I noticed my period didn't come, a week over due. With a deep breath and clenched eyes I peeked at the activated test...positive! Rain baby rain! After a few days of elation, it started. The panic of the bad....checking the toilet tissue for color every time I relieved myself, watching my dog's behavior to see if she was still protecting me, making sure I was still feeling pregnant, clamming up. My husband came to my rescue immediately. He made me realize we needed to celebrate! We are going to celebrate every day, every moment of morning sickness, every pound I gain, every milestone and week that passes by. We are savoring every moment! We've dreamed of this moment too much to let our fears take away our joy. We will celebrate the miracle of life growing in my belly! Positives abound for this tiny momma!