Someday soon we will be a rising Phoenix

    Last night was long.....after our usual Tuesday movie date night, things turned very dark. Fast forward to 3 AM and we found ourselves waiting for a pain med subscription in the local Walgreens,  processing the events that led us saying our good-bye to our rainbow baby. It was hard, it was painful.
   Throughout my life adventures and misadventures, I always try to learn something. What is the point if one doesn't, right? With our first miscarriage, I admit I didn't learn much besides how it feels to feel numb, truly empty, helpless and shamefully envious. I didn't allow myself to feel anything for several days...I was a robot, going through the motions until my deluge of turmoil came boiling out to my husband's great relief.
   This pregnancy was going to be different. We mentally prepared for the horror. But in doing so, it truly allowed us to enjoy every second we had with our little one that couldn't stay. We grew courageous and allowed ourselves to dare to dream of a life that could be. Even through the struggles, the aches, the changes, we welcomed it. We strived to stay positive and planned. And even through our process last night, we both would gaze in each other's eyes amidst the storm and talk about how lucky we are to be in this together, how wondrous our living kids are and how fortunate we are to have so many people including those all around the U.S., around the world, along with those here at home who celebrated, prayed and supported us during this entire pregnancy...and those who cheered us on to conquer our fears of trying again. What I've learned from this is that savoring each precious moment made me have no regrets and ultimately made me feel stronger.
    In this moment, we are indeed broken, but not unrepairable. We are crying, having difficulty breathing, crushed. But we will come out better. I can't thank everyone enough for your prayers, smiles and excitement for this pregnancy. As strange as it might sound to some, we consider ourselves lucky to have such a vast support system. We are not alone.
   In the coming days, we will have much to process. I may not answer my phone, or respond to texts or messages in a timely manner. My husband has been my rock and our kids are a huge help. Your prayers and healing light are greatly appreciated. We will rise again.

Strength, love and the thought of a rainbow

   We probably had the most stressful Independence Day weekend for us on record. Not only was it our deceased cousin and friend's birthday where we would spend time with him yearly, but my body decided to throw a little more emotion in the mix and I began spotting at work Saturday night. The hours and minutes ticked by excruciatingly.....old buried emotions boiled to the surface of our lost angel. My husband and I just laid around gaming and watching movies on Sunday to see if the spotting would stop.
   Earlier this week, we had received a call from the doctor's office on Wednesday that my blood work came back with the conclusion that my thyroid gland wasn't functioning properly. I've been put on a thyroid hormone treatment. I researched and found the possible reason for our angel baby was that simple fact. Miscarriage is 80% probable if your thyroid is under working and the symptoms are so silent....feeling cold, excessive fatigue, aching feet, excessive weight gain (which I had with all of my pregnancies), nausea, sweating, shortness of breath, high anxiety or feelings of anxiousness.....all pretty harmless, lots that sound just like pregnancy. We were relieved to hear that maybe we found our answer to the biggest mystery of our lives. I also found out I come from a line of ladies in my family with the same problem.
   But we aren't out of the woods....it takes 4-6 weeks for the thyroid hormone supplement to build up in your system ....without being pregnant. Are we fighting an uphill battle? We aren't sure. I've done nothing but pray and rest since that call. I've been praying....and praying. Then the spotting started....more prayers.
   We phoned our doctor this morning with our symptom and received instructions on my blood type (not comforting) in the case of an ER visit, when to go to the ER, and what to look for. If things do not improve and do not get worse, to give them a call in a few days and "hopefully we will see you on the 28th at your regular visit. Some things just can't be helped. Good luck and we look forward to seeing you then." ......yup, we are on our own with this.....
   Clayton spent the morning holding me, crying with me as we huddled together trying to hold each other up. He talked to my belly, telling the little soul to hang in there, that he wants to meet him/her and they have a wonderful family that is amazing waiting for them. It was emotionally sweet and heart wrenching all at once. I just silently cried laying there, trying to not take away from his moment with our little one.
   Every trip to the bathroom was grueling....I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to see. But, thankfully, I can report that it hasn't gotten any worse and quite possibly has eased up. Sadly, I can't even describe how I feel....a side affect of my thyroid medication is feeling spacey and I do feel like it is working. My anxiety is so much better than it was, so is my nausea, and fatigue. But then again it makes me feel like my pregnancy symptoms are disappearing....scary!! But I am feeling the other symptoms of thyroid fading too, hopefully the baby is getting the thyroid hormone and not just me.
   I spent some time in my garden this afternoon and my spotting didn't worsen....a little ray of hope!

We talked and prepared for the worst, what to do, who to call, how to handle the kids when and if we have to go tonight because my Clayton has to work and what to do in the next few days. We are prepared...so maybe that means we won't need this plan. Maybe, this is just a little bump in the road to our miracle rainbow baby. Time will tell. One day, one minute  at a time is the reminder for us once again.