Someday soon we will be a rising Phoenix

    Last night was long.....after our usual Tuesday movie date night, things turned very dark. Fast forward to 3 AM and we found ourselves waiting for a pain med subscription in the local Walgreens,  processing the events that led us saying our good-bye to our rainbow baby. It was hard, it was painful.
   Throughout my life adventures and misadventures, I always try to learn something. What is the point if one doesn't, right? With our first miscarriage, I admit I didn't learn much besides how it feels to feel numb, truly empty, helpless and shamefully envious. I didn't allow myself to feel anything for several days...I was a robot, going through the motions until my deluge of turmoil came boiling out to my husband's great relief.
   This pregnancy was going to be different. We mentally prepared for the horror. But in doing so, it truly allowed us to enjoy every second we had with our little one that couldn't stay. We grew courageous and allowed ourselves to dare to dream of a life that could be. Even through the struggles, the aches, the changes, we welcomed it. We strived to stay positive and planned. And even through our process last night, we both would gaze in each other's eyes amidst the storm and talk about how lucky we are to be in this together, how wondrous our living kids are and how fortunate we are to have so many people including those all around the U.S., around the world, along with those here at home who celebrated, prayed and supported us during this entire pregnancy...and those who cheered us on to conquer our fears of trying again. What I've learned from this is that savoring each precious moment made me have no regrets and ultimately made me feel stronger.
    In this moment, we are indeed broken, but not unrepairable. We are crying, having difficulty breathing, crushed. But we will come out better. I can't thank everyone enough for your prayers, smiles and excitement for this pregnancy. As strange as it might sound to some, we consider ourselves lucky to have such a vast support system. We are not alone.
   In the coming days, we will have much to process. I may not answer my phone, or respond to texts or messages in a timely manner. My husband has been my rock and our kids are a huge help. Your prayers and healing light are greatly appreciated. We will rise again.