Life in this exact moment

   We've entered the 8th week of pregnancy....feeling a bit more awful, tired, and crabby and I don't mean to be.....honest! I was thrilled to find myself at 8 weeks and then I proceeded to get sleepy and tummy turned. Last week I found an app that allows you to hear your baby's heartbeat through your iPad and I'm so small we could hear it! The conveniences of modern technology! This fun activity helped the time go by when our silent nerves would creep in. But if I had my way, I would have it on constantly, to keep reassuring me I'm not living a fantasy. Something to ponder: to Doppler or not Doppler, that is the question.
   Our kids' baby elation has quickly turned into as barrage of Q and A whenever they see me. "How are you feeling, mom?" ..."are you eating enough, mom?"..."Did you sleep well enough?".  It's usually when I just feel like being quiet,  so again I appear cranky with my answers.... Incidentally, I love you Sum, Jo and Keira.
   We've been doing so well keeping positive and upbeat about this pregnancy. We've already settled on our baby lifestyle ...you know, cloth or disposable, breast or bottle, minimalist versus extravaganza, crib, cradle or hammock, vaccination schedules for pregnancy and beyond. We've even picked names. I've been feeling pretty well so it was easy.....and then today hit. I basically slept all day yesterday until work. I felt awful, tired, sick. No cramps .... so far. This morning I had a slight tinge of color on my tissue and a full body sweat erupted. Not again. Panicked beyond control, I slinked off to our bed and said I never wanted to leave it again for a long time and I just wanted to drop off the planet. My loving husband held me and coaxed me to use the Doppler. Thankfully, I found the tiny racing heartbeat and our minds were eased for the time being. I've had nothing beyond that one incident and nothing more to trouble me so far. It could've been anything, time will tell.
   Our ultrasound is in four days and I am living for that small goal. I just want us to be able to see a healthy baby on that screen. Lots of times, that ultrasound is the harbinger of bad news for parents like us. It's the moment they find out they will be expecting a miscarriage. But I believe in moments of joy.  I have to!
   I never realized how courageous we truly are. When I first told my cousin about our pregnancy, the very first thing she said to me was how courageous I am in all that I do, and especially with this. There are moments that can literally take the breath out of me when I'm not feeling strong in my pregnancy....when I'm hearing about other people's due dates, their happy nonchalant pregnancies, or how they just blindly know things will be fine. I've experienced the horror story and come to realize that I still have to fight the urge of being in control....that Google is of absolutely no comfort to me ....that sometimes all I  can say is "at this exact moment, this exact time, the baby and I are doing fine."